Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
