Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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