Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
