I will die if light touches me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
