Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
