omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just pee around me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
