I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
