when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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