VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize