i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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