Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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