I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
