It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
