I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
