At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
