i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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