Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
