I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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