i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
