You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
