I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
