Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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