Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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