I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
