it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
