whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
