Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
