Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
sex in a hospital.. check
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
