When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i now understand why vodka
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
