I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
