I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
