Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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