I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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