Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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