If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
