I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
