You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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