the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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