Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
