Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
