i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I believe in your delicious
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
