I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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