ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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