She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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