I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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