Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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