it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Randomize
