the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
