Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
