I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
