Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
