and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
