maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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