Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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