thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
