Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
