Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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