I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
