Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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