yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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