You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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