I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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