it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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