She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
