I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
