the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
