i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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