I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize