i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Someone signed my nipple.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize