i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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