Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
