phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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