I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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