I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
