It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
