I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
