marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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