You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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