please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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